This godawfully creepy, dark, sometimes irritating movie has violated my favorite holiday in every possible way! Why the hell did Charles Dickens' decide to turn a perfectly cheerful time of year into a dark, depressing, creepy story? I mean, COME ON.

First, there's a fucking DEAD PERSON'S FACE floating over the doorknocker or whatever those things are called! Why are dead people floating around on Christmas Eve?! Shouldn't they be in HEAVEN wrapping Jesus' birthday presents?! Seriously, what the hell!? And then comes the part where Scrooge just barely touches the knocker and the thing like explodes and I scream and start crying! And then my mom starts laughing at me and that just makes me cry harder!! And then Marley or whatever-his-name-is comes clunking and dragging and moaning and groaning in and throwing his chains everywhere and his jaw rips in half or something! And at this point I'm literally sobbing and bawling my eyes out, and my mom is about to pee herself because she's still laughing instead of trying to console me like a freaking normal mother would. Thanks, mom.

And then, as I'm finally calming down enough to stop sobbing (but I'm still crying), the  ghost of Christmas past  candle-headed dude comes in with his freaky, raspy voice, and he's all "COOOOOMMMMME WWWWIIIIIIITTTTTHHHH MEEEEEEEE..." Mr. Candlehead is here to take Scrooge back in time and relive every depressing moment in his life. (Which, if they're trying to make him a happy, nice person, WHY WOULD YOU REMIND HIM OF THE CRAP LIFE HE'S HAD? For the love of God.) So Scrooge and Mr. Candlehead go flying through the air and then poor little boy Scrooge is all by himself at Christmas, and at this point it's just depressing! Why are they making Christmas so freaking depressing?! Dammit, Disney!!!

Next comes the  ghost of Christmas present  huge redhead man who never freaking stops laughing. I mean, at first I was thinking, "Aww, he's such a cute jolly guy, this is getting better now..." but then he kept laughing. And laughing and laughing and laughing!! NO ONE SAID ANYTHING FUNNY, GODDAMMIT! After the first five minutes with Carrot-top, I was done with him. And then he's got these little two creepy little kids under his robe! (Molester, much?!) And then he starts dying AND HE'S STILL FREAKING LAUGHING while he dies! And even when he's a skeleton, he's laughing! Meanwhile, the scrawny, creepy boy morphs into a grown-up and starts slashing a knife through the air, and the scrawny, creepy girl grows up and she's dressed like a prostitute and a straightjacket wraps around her out of nowhere and she starts shrieking and thrashing and OH MY GOD. IT'S SCARY AS HELL. And I lose my shit and start wailing and sobbing again. And there's my mom, laughing. Again. (Those nine months with me in your womb must have been really special to you, mom.)

And then, AND THEN, if things couldn't get any worse for me, the  ghost of Christmas yet to come  the Grim Reaper-like dude who is literally in the shadows, but every now and then a finger or a hand (OR A SCARY AS HELL FACELESS HOODED HEAD) will come out of the wall away from his shadow. And I thought things couldn't get any scarier. I'm not even going to try to depict this scene, because basically Scrooge sees his own dead body under a sheet and then he sees Tiny Tim dead and it's so creepy and depressing and I don't even want to start with how hard I was sobbing then. Because at this point I'm scared shitless and depressed.

And the fifteen minutes of Disney-esque bliss at the end DID NOT CONSOLE ME. It's supposed to make you feel better, but it doesn't. Gee, maybe that's because you've just endured an hour and twenty minutes of terror!

Thank you, Disney. You've officially prevented me from sleeping tonight due to the sheer fact that I'm waiting for a candle-headed guy or an abnormally large redhead or the Grim Reaper to come whisk me out of my bed and show me every Christmas. Only creepy versions of my Christmases, because I've had good Christmases so far. But you have RUINED THEM for me! I hope you are satisfied, Disney!

Excuse me while I go punch my pillow bury my face in it.

Carry on.
~Elise